They were both a combo of good ol' catholic values have more kids than you can afford (we have none. Now my fear is that due to their poor decisions and lack of planning I will end up taking care of them. You may think your parents’ money is none of your business, but you could actually find yourself on the hook for their bad habits. He took an early retirement when his firm was bought out and lives a really nice life. We use cookies on our websites for a number of purposes, including analytics and performance, functionality and advertising. Needing support from you kids is totally avoidable in most circumstance. My dad is a CPA and ironically enough, never gave me any financial advice other than "get a good financial planner". They always casually talk about how they can't wait till they quit their jobs and live off my sister and I. Start Retirement Conversation with Parents. Her bills are automatically paid from this account and then a portion of the money is transferred to my grandma's checking account for all other needs. Whether you will take care, or let them sink on their own. She's the hardest working person I know. Even paying to fix some damage when my mom backed into a stranger's car in a parking lot. She does cook for us at times when we're extremely busy, but other than that, we've not run into any issues with her being here. I fear I'm headed in the same direction with almost all the same history. I just discovered my parents financial situation is totally different than I had thought. I owe everything to them. Some relationships are toxic and the best you can do, even if it's your parents, is distance. I went through something similar and I did the exact same thing for my mom and my grandparents as they got older. I've seen all her financials and these days she's doing a lot better but still struggling. If they were broke but good parents, then we'd help. I'm the only one earning money in my family now. 11 Secrets to Helping Elderly Parents Financially 1. It sucks. Most elderly parents are not comfortable discussing their finances even with their children. Call me rude or tight, but I can't do it. I’m thinking this is the likely scenario which wouldn’t be bad. That said, my personal focus & interest is always going to be in circles radiating outward, starting with: my immediate family > my broader family & friends > my community > causes I'm particularly passionate about > the world at large. This can build unnecessary financial pressure as well as resentment, often leading to a strain in family dynamics. All the self-righteous people making comments can take a hike. Starting a conversation about money with your parents is always hard. I am coming to the realization that in the future I will likely be supporting my parents and it is freaking me out. She has a pension from her husband's job and social security. Posted by u/[deleted] 1 year ago. Backstory on me: I am 36 with a great husband and 2 teenagers. They have gotten desperate recently and against my advice pulled money out of their retirement to stay afloat. Press J to jump to the feed. If supporting your parents is a regular thing and not a one-time situation, it’s best to get your siblings involved. Close. I know people whose parents were scumbags, they don't owe their parents anything, their parents made their mess & now they can lie in it. And we’re not talking about loaning some money for dinner here and there. Instead of calling it "financially supporting my parents", call it "repaying my parents for the money they lent me for college". Hi, I'm specifically doing this now with my mother. The reason I don't help is because they already spend more than I do and don't budget. I should be able to care for my parents as well and find myself considering this when making our financial decisions. A quarter (25%) of all surveyed parents have already taken on debt to buy at-home school supplies this year. Treasure that relationship, not all of us got to have it. They raised you & cared for you, you now care for them. I could probably go the rest of my life without seeing my parents and be happy. I grew up poor, actually, really poor, and I remember my mom dieting quite a lot. I'm going to be honest here, your reasoning of "it's paying them back for all the year they took care of me" is complete bullshit. 4 international vacations a year? It wasn't a huge issue for us as we hit FI young and worked decades past it. What do you do? Things seem to be getting worse for them financially. Financial Independence is closely related to the concept of Early Retirement/Retiring Early (RE) - quitting your job/career and pursuing other activities with your time. I only say this because what you mentioned about your dad taking her to court periodically, thatd be brutal to spend ten years saving up to give to support your mom and then have your dad win a judgment and take it for himself. Nearly half of parents still financially support adult children Published Tue, Sep 24 2019 8:30 AM EDT Updated Tue, Sep 24 2019 8:30 AM EDT Jessica Dickler @jdickler I have been sending 5-7x of money you send to your parents every year. And then kept aside a separate "parent disaster" fund which I didn't tell them about (but I knew myself, wouldn't be in a situation where I'd let them go under). Me and my husband have great careers and are financially secure. My aunt and dad lived together for years both single, she moved down south and I stay with him to help with the bills. We are very good with our money and have done a good job planning for our families future. 82% Upvoted. I have a friend facing this very dilemma. A new study found that one in five Millennials help support their aging parents. When they hear how I control my grocery budget and don't pay for cell data they clearly don't want to live this way. My wife still hasn't retired 2+ decades later. It may seem petty, but elderly parents have reasons why they don’t talk about finances. I would be happy to just let them deal with their own money situation, but they semi-regularly lament not having more money. question is an absolute no brainer if you have a remotely decent relationship with your folks. A clear deadline helps your parent adjust to the financial change, and gives them time to find cheaper housing, start saving or otherwise get financially organized. I don't even have a good relationship with my parents, I'll be supporting them more out of obligation. Cultural differences, maybe. Join our community, read the PF Wiki, and get on top of your finances! He gets anxious just going to the grocery store by himself. I pay the mortgage on her condo, as well as pay for any big expenses that come along (new tires, health care copays, property taxes, etc.) Fuck 'em. I’m going through a similar dilemma, but I think I’ll be able to do it- sadly, most of this is just sacrificing my own comforts to provide for both. I also randomly give her cash. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. & I'm well aware my dollar can go further providing clean water & sending kids to school in various exotic locals.. Been there (literally been there, wife is a medical professional & we've spent a lot of time in some rather unpleasant parts of the world providing both skills & funding), done that, still do it today. You can absolutely help parents and children at the same time. You did not make the decision to be born, your parents chose to have you and had a responsibility to support you. I'm 26 now and she's 55. I don’t think this is a this or that decision. No easy solutions; you have to tackle the "fear" with specific plans. Now, I pay all my mom's bills (electricity, water, phone, cable...) and also pay for any big, unforeseen expenses when they come up, like an appliance breaking down and needing replacement. Or she could help her children first and financially, and aid her parents through time. I am coming to the realization that in the future I will likely be supporting my parents and it is freaking me out. This is an easy choice, if you can only do right by your parents or your kids you always pick the kids. Make it all legal. Your mother should be so proud of the child she has raised. A recent study funded by the Pew Research Center revealed 20 percent of adult children between the ages of 40 and 60 assist their elderly parents financially. She opted for the latter. This thread is archived. Interestingly, households with higher incomes – $50,000 to more than $80,000 – put the average age their adult children should start paying off their student loan debt on their own at 23. This is what I tried as well. This is what I learnt from my experience and goes contrary to some of your thoughts. The larger issue for us was balancing our love of travel & living in different places, experiencing different cultures & countries (we've fairly consistently moved every 3-7 years for the last 30 years) with being away from parents who were increasingly infirm & even in high care with daily phone calls, required a lot of face to face time. Repaying $500k at $24k a year will take over 20 years, not including interest. You seem like a pretty darn awesome person. Burdening you with this is just a negative and toxic aspect of the culture many people live in sadly. What I could do to help them - and what I could NOT. The way it's looking it won't be enough to flat out retire on but if it can alleviate a lot of her stress than it's worth it for me. All of her children got together with her and talked through where her problems stemmed from. They've all passed away by now and I don't regret a single cent I spent that made their lives easier - even though they stressed me out to high heaven when I was cutting those checks. I mean this in the sense that my wife and I support a lot of different charitable causes & I'm well aware of the various different schools of thought regarding efficient charitable giving (I actually had the opportunity to sit in on a panel discussion with Peter Singer, the Australian Philosopher and promoter of effective altruism as well as a few dinners with him, but that's another story!) My family is broke. Me and my husband have great careers and are financially secure. Two counter points (in my opinion) though: if you didn't have a good relationship with them? Or the iPhone for grandma, who had a snowflake's chance of hell of learning how to use it, but really wanted one. Luckily for the world, there are people like Bill Gates & Warren Buffett (although both have done some morally dubious things & have invested millions into their personal PR) to go after "bang for your buck" charity work while I target the selfish stuff around me. The financial support you are offering your adult children is toxic. Objectively I understand that a greater "net good" can be provided by giving a donation to a school in Uganda than a struggling school down the road, but that's how my brain is wired & I'm happy to admit that I'm a junkie who chased the "feel good" fix when I can see something wrong around me and actively work to change that. Wouldn’t affect your dad’s benefits too. I’m in my 30s and I’ve never had a proper vacation. Before your parents retire or face serious financial hardship, have an honest discussion with them about the challenges they're having or expect to have and the type of and extent of help they need. I'm giving my parents 20% of my gross pay every month. I’m also on track to retire well at 60 despite being blue collar. I don’t want to put ourselves in a bad situation if my parents do end up needing us to support them. Yeah, sorry, but I wouldn't cut into my retirement savings to pay their bills after that kind of spending. Not sure if this stems from back in the day (Khmer rouge). If financial support to aging parents is your dilemma, I encourage you to think about the matter, talk it out with your spouse, kids, and parents, and move forward. Better to put children on their own two feet. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. They're in that position where they waited until full retirement for social security and have an okay size 401k, and a tiny pension, but are completely unhappy with what they'll be able to spend in retirement.
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